Feeling all sorts of weird now because my sixth sense is always quite accurate and I don't wish for it to be accurate right now. It will not bode well.
The weather is doing nothing to alleviate my feelings. Feeling so ultra-sensitive now for no reason. But I shall have no fear. I will always trust in God and put all my faith, for without faith, it is impossible to please God.
Been thinking so much about what I want to do and my future path. It's a foggy road ahead and I really don't know what is going to happen in future. So much, so many worries and fears, but I know that God is always here with me and He will calm the storm in me.
Just yesterday, when I was feeling so absolutely lousy and lacking confidence in myself, God re-assured me almost immediately by telling me about my worth.
Thank you God, for telling me that my worth is not defined by what I have achieved, what people tell me and choices I've made to date. Yesterday, God reminded me that I am worth something, not just something. I am of highest worth because of Jesus. Because of Jesus who paid the price for all of us.
You are precious and honored in my sight (Isiah 43:4a)
And today, God answered my unsettled heart and mind, as well as my uncertainties toward my future. Though I don't have a clear answer now, I believe that God will show me and use me. He will show me in time to come.
I am not perfect and never will I be. Though I always mention that I trust, I believe, I do have my insecurities, which is why God has always been re-re-re-assuring me. As much as I don't like feeling this way, I still do. I can only prevent myself from feeling the way I do by telling myself that it is in God that I find joy, not worldly possessions. I can only find satisfaction, acceptance from God. Father God, I want to keep my eyes on you and only you. I don't want to get distracted. I will try my very best to fulfill this. Every day is a chance for me to grow closer to you Lord.
And wow, I never meant for my blog to be a public declaration of my love or faith towards God. In JC, I often prayed before I went to bed, but I never once posted it anywhere. I always believed that it's always a conversation between God and I. So writing all these is something new for me as well. I'm never good at verbalising my affection and love. Through this, I hope to get better at expressing my thoughts. At the same time, I want to look back and see how I have grown, from a young christian now to a more knowledgeable one I hope and want to be in time to come. I want to listen to God speaking to me.
It has never been an easy path for me, coming from a family of non-believers. Silly me thought that I would have to walk a path fraught with opposition. I started singing songs to worship God since I was ten (though not actually knowing the meaning of it then), went to a christian JC, kept many bible verses close to my heart. Yet I had never invited Jesus into my heart and life then. I often envied friends whose families were christian, and would never face any obstacles that I thought I would. Yet, it is because I faced all these that made me treasure going to church more.
I attended Hope church once in July last year with Fanqin. She hoped that I'd attend church starting then, but never had the courage to bring up the issue with my parents. Hence, although I really liked the atmosphere then, I didn't want to do things behind my parents' back. The first time I met Jedi 2, they prayed for me despite not knowing me at all. Time lapsed. Fast forward to February this year. It had been 7 months since my last visit to church. Things changed, in part because of my dear cousin who left us so suddenly. It softened my parents' hearts. I couldn't have asked for a more understanding father. Being the staunch buddhist he is, I fully expected him to object to me believing in God. But all he said was 'I have no right to force you to believe in any religion. You are free to believe in what you want to.' On the other hand, my mother understood when I told her that I didn't want to live life not knowing God. At that time, all of us realized how short and unpredictable life was. She relented, and with my parents' approval, I now look forward to attending church every Saturday.
And that above, is my story. How I came to accept God I will leave it for another day.
I shall leave you with a song that never fails to get me so overwhelmed and on the verge of tears.
This song was sang during praise last week and I couldn't sing it at all because I kept getting reminded of my cousin. I teared and wiped my tears away in secret. It is such a perfect song, of God's grace.
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