i guess i've gotten my thinking sorted out, for now
i've kind of accepted the fact that i'll never be able to click with some people in class.and it's been so long i've no more energy to carry on trying to build that bond.maybe i haven't put in enough effort but everything takes two to clap.so i guess the problem doesn't lie with me alone
but that doesn't matter so much because i've found good friends i can share my problems with(:
and i seem to have been a little insecure of late. but when have i ever been secure? i guess like what jx said on her blog, i feel the same way.

"Do you feel so sad sometimes? When one of your friend treats you differently or when one of your friends receive some special treatment but you dont? & You can only tell yourself repeatedly, its okay and that you both were not equal in his/her eyes t begin w. Kind of puts a dent in your self-confidence, doesnt it? Those ppl dont know how it hurts when these friends just walk away like that when their 'special friend' is here."

of course. both of you were supposedly on the same ground at the start. and i thought that our friendship would have been more than this. but time and again, it has always been proven that i was wrong. it really decreases my self worth. i know that a person's self worth is measured by more than friendships but somehow it just does.

i guess some people do share my opinions after all and now i know it's not just me being overly sensitive. i read an article today that guys do not like girls who act all haughty and flirtatious. but my friend says that guys would feel flattered in the short run by the girl's actions and, as a result, fall in love with her? then wouldn't it be contradiction or an irony?

as i was hanging out my clothes, which i do everyday, this thought always comes to my mind. what if i fall out of the window? fall 3 storeys and fall to my death? the thought of death and afterlife is so daunting. what'd happen then? would it mean the end of me? but i still have so many things unaccomplished and i would just die like that. i mean, sometimes i'd think it's good, with no more stress of the As and all. but wouldnt it be so foolish to lose your life and everything else to stress? i feel that through service learning, i yearn for the kind of lifestyle they lead. it's stress free. everyday go there, play mahjong everyday, sing karaoke once a week, learn to cook once a week. keeping fit by walking around. nothing else. but of course there are other trade offs. things which you have to sacrifice.

sometimes i wonder if i'm being too hard on that person. i mean, he or she is just trying to please everyone, which really is nothing wrong in principle. however it just irks me and i just feel that he or she shoudn't behave this way. isn't it so hypocritical to smile at someone you hate deep down but superficially, you still smile, joke, laugh and make fun of the person. during math remedial today, i felt this feeling i feel every math tutorial. it's not fear of the teacher, but of lowliness. i think there's no such word but i just made it up. i've lived with this feeling for so long so why can't i bear with it a little longer? just for a few more months or so. but there's really a limit to one's patience and mine is running out. and the truth is: i want to be respected. not in the sense that i'm being tortured or insulted but some will get what i mean. and another thing is that isn't it so scary that when a person smiles at you when he or she in fact hates you deep inside. it'd be the chinese saying xiao4 li3 cang2 dao1. i don't want to experience it let alone do that to others.

my week passes relatively quickly in spite of the tests. and before i knew it, it was friday already. and of course, during the weekend there's my girl to look forward to even though i've watched it 2 times and this would be the third. but it's such a nice show everyone should watch it, when they have time of course.

i was pretty upset when i typed the above but i'm fine now after saying all that i really feel. and, this is one of the longest posts i've typed this year and probably one of the few when i'm in this sort of a reflective mood. i'm off to reply letter now. (:

i'm moving in a week's time and i'm kind of looking forward to it. as in it'd be interesting but hard work. and i've been taking photos of my present house. so that i won't forget how it looked and all. this has become part of my character i guess. everytime i experience something so great or wonderful, i want to keep it in my memory forever but i'm afraid that i'd forget. so this time i took photos, and in the case of ocip, i wrote a long ten page journal of the entire trip and in the case of memorable outings, i'd write it in my diary. and this is all because i'm not confident in my own memory. of my own brain.

there isn't much to say.
except school is made interesting by my very entertaining friends.
HAIR!
i want to go on a long long holiday
and besides studying now, i've also got to pack all my things within these 2 weeks.
and i want to move house, but yet i don't.
and most of all, i'm not looking forward to taking the more than 1 hour bus ride home.D:

these few days have been good. the friendship week thing seems to have brightened my mood.today was surprise a friend day. haha and there was this true friends questions. did with sujun and it was so hilarious! zhiyang asked retarded questions and then he asked this question 'what is the name you call ____' and of course, we know the answer to it very well and that is the only question that we got correct! those what is your favourite movie and kind of questions were those which stumped me. it was really funny but you must have been there to witness it to know it.

i've made up my mind about some things and i hope i won't change my stand on what has already been decided. i've received replies about the fact that hypocrisy is a necessary evil. but somehow, i can't bring myself to do it. i mean, i can't. and as many will know, my facial expressions give everything away. and i sometimes don't know what look i give people and i even have to ask them what expression i gave. you may think i'm trying to find excuses but no, seriously. i haven't been talking to you for days, i realise.

over the long chinese new year holiday, i read a romance book. and it's these books which put silly notions of love into your head when you know that these fairytale endings seldom occur in reality. hahaha

and well, the reality now is that block tests are coming really soon.
i can foresee that i wont have much time to study during march holidays since i'll be moving during that period of time

and i read someone's blog today. i was so elated that it had been updated but then, it contained some stuff which made me think really hard. then i would have rathered that it not be updated. but of course, nothing is as important as school this year. :D

i think i haven't blogged since last week or so.
the past week, has been fine.
you know, sometimes i feel, even when i'm surrounded by so many people, i feel so alone. that feeling never fails to surround me. and i find my temper getting worse and at extremes. i guess i've really been thinking far too much than i really should. sometimes, i feel, life's short, and we shouldn't worry so much, but yet, at other times, which is really most of the time, i feel that of course there's a need to worry. and how can you just cruise through life thinking about nothing?

and of course, another thing is, i feel like such a hypocrite. i find that you really suck but why am i still talking to you as if i treat you like my friend. i've tried my best to be accommodating but your actions seem to make my efforts futile. i can't go on doing this.

i've gotten my math and chem msas back. chem has really disappointed me. or i've disappointed myself and i'm really surprised for math. and the rest will be bad (this is the pessimistic me). we had a talk on stress relief and through a personality test, i find that i'm still pessimistic. i guess old habits die hard.

the new year has been, stuffing my face with yummy pastries. no bakkwa for me this year cause mum didn't buy. inflation you see.

it's time to go. to brighten my mood watching yoga! (: what an emo post, and on CNY at that.


'why is it people without background can never learn tact?'
- peter stockmann, an enemy of the people