Always Keep the Faith

i guess i've gotten my thinking sorted out, for now
i've kind of accepted the fact that i'll never be able to click with some people in class.and it's been so long i've no more energy to carry on trying to build that bond.maybe i haven't put in enough effort but everything takes two to clap.so i guess the problem doesn't lie with me alone
but that doesn't matter so much because i've found good friends i can share my problems with(:
and i seem to have been a little insecure of late. but when have i ever been secure? i guess like what jx said on her blog, i feel the same way.

"Do you feel so sad sometimes? When one of your friend treats you differently or when one of your friends receive some special treatment but you dont? & You can only tell yourself repeatedly, its okay and that you both were not equal in his/her eyes t begin w. Kind of puts a dent in your self-confidence, doesnt it? Those ppl dont know how it hurts when these friends just walk away like that when their 'special friend' is here."

of course. both of you were supposedly on the same ground at the start. and i thought that our friendship would have been more than this. but time and again, it has always been proven that i was wrong. it really decreases my self worth. i know that a person's self worth is measured by more than friendships but somehow it just does.

i guess some people do share my opinions after all and now i know it's not just me being overly sensitive. i read an article today that guys do not like girls who act all haughty and flirtatious. but my friend says that guys would feel flattered in the short run by the girl's actions and, as a result, fall in love with her? then wouldn't it be contradiction or an irony?

as i was hanging out my clothes, which i do everyday, this thought always comes to my mind. what if i fall out of the window? fall 3 storeys and fall to my death? the thought of death and afterlife is so daunting. what'd happen then? would it mean the end of me? but i still have so many things unaccomplished and i would just die like that. i mean, sometimes i'd think it's good, with no more stress of the As and all. but wouldnt it be so foolish to lose your life and everything else to stress? i feel that through service learning, i yearn for the kind of lifestyle they lead. it's stress free. everyday go there, play mahjong everyday, sing karaoke once a week, learn to cook once a week. keeping fit by walking around. nothing else. but of course there are other trade offs. things which you have to sacrifice.

sometimes i wonder if i'm being too hard on that person. i mean, he or she is just trying to please everyone, which really is nothing wrong in principle. however it just irks me and i just feel that he or she shoudn't behave this way. isn't it so hypocritical to smile at someone you hate deep down but superficially, you still smile, joke, laugh and make fun of the person. during math remedial today, i felt this feeling i feel every math tutorial. it's not fear of the teacher, but of lowliness. i think there's no such word but i just made it up. i've lived with this feeling for so long so why can't i bear with it a little longer? just for a few more months or so. but there's really a limit to one's patience and mine is running out. and the truth is: i want to be respected. not in the sense that i'm being tortured or insulted but some will get what i mean. and another thing is that isn't it so scary that when a person smiles at you when he or she in fact hates you deep inside. it'd be the chinese saying xiao4 li3 cang2 dao1. i don't want to experience it let alone do that to others.

my week passes relatively quickly in spite of the tests. and before i knew it, it was friday already. and of course, during the weekend there's my girl to look forward to even though i've watched it 2 times and this would be the third. but it's such a nice show everyone should watch it, when they have time of course.

i was pretty upset when i typed the above but i'm fine now after saying all that i really feel. and, this is one of the longest posts i've typed this year and probably one of the few when i'm in this sort of a reflective mood. i'm off to reply letter now. (:

i'm moving in a week's time and i'm kind of looking forward to it. as in it'd be interesting but hard work. and i've been taking photos of my present house. so that i won't forget how it looked and all. this has become part of my character i guess. everytime i experience something so great or wonderful, i want to keep it in my memory forever but i'm afraid that i'd forget. so this time i took photos, and in the case of ocip, i wrote a long ten page journal of the entire trip and in the case of memorable outings, i'd write it in my diary. and this is all because i'm not confident in my own memory. of my own brain.