비밀

지금 무슨말하고싶어?

나도 몰라요. 사실은 너랑함게 자주 행복해.때때로 무서워.

어제 내 손을 잡았어. 너무 깜짝놀랐어.

왜 작은것 때문에 화났어? 이유를 말해봐.

예기 많이 하고싶지만 할수없어요. 어떻게 말해?

Too tired to think of what to say in Korean, so English it is then.

And what would you have thought of me if I said that?

And I said things out of impulse, but it's too late to take them back. There were many things I wanted to ask, wanted to know, but I held myself back. For fear of seeming too concerned, overly concerned or seeming too eager. On hindsight, you shouldn't have judged me as well because you don't know much of me, and you don't know what I had been through. You don't even know the buckets of tears I shed in the past.

As much as I admit that I was wrong in the past to a large extent and I know that I was and certainly didn't need a reminder of the past or your analysis of what you think really happened. Really, did you think you knew me that well to judge me on what I did? I was really appalled at how you linked the things I told you, which wasn't even complete. Intentionally omitted some parts which I was not comfortable with saying and suddenly you just drew your own conclusions. If this was what you learnt then that's too bad. Don't think I'm what you think I am, but if you want to think that way based on what you heard in 5 minutes then good riddance. It's your loss (okay I sound a little arrogant here). I admit that I am judgemental at times but at least I know not to judge when I don't even know the entire story. Old wounds shouldn't have been dredged up. But it was, last night.

And you say you're disappointed. What do you want me to do now? I was 19 and immature. And I can't change the past. I'm no longer the 19 year old self I described myself as, yet you judged me as if I was still the 19 year old. You had expectations, so had I. And we both have been disappointed.

In actual fact, I have so much more to say, in defend of myself maybe, to change your opinion of me maybe, but they were left unsaid. I tried to explain but you refused to listen.

I can understand if you don't want to see me again or you think I'm a vermin or whatever it is. Just say it. Just say that word; goodbye.

The more I think of it, the more I feel like I wasted my time. Time built up my expectations and it all collapsed in a matter of a day. Can't help but feel a little cheated and disappointed. But that is how life is, right? What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. And I believe I have gotten stronger and learnt more things. I thought maybe this would change my opinion on some reservations I had, but no, it strengthened my convictions even more.

From yesterday's Girlfriends in God. So applicable to me for my situation yesterday. I actually read it before the incident happened and was already touched by it, but reading it again, I realise now what God was trying to tell me: 


'I know you don't understand why a loving God would allow so much pain to saturate this broken world and perpetuate such loss and hurt. I don't either. But God's ways are so much higher than my ways, and His thoughts are for my eternal good – not my temporary comfort. I am banking on eternity. I am counting on the character of God and His heart of unconditional, unmerited and undeserved love. God's forgiveness gives me the strength to get out of bed each morning, and His peace is my comfort in the dark, lonely night. Like you, I sometimes ask God why He has allowed a circumstance to exist. I have questioned His favor and allowed fear and worry to make me doubt His plan. And I have to tell you that I can now look back and see so many of the question marks yanked into exclamation points in my life. I am so thankful that He said "no" to so many of the prayers I desperately wanted Him to answer with "yes." He is God. He is able and He is more than enough.No matter where you are today, know He is with you and that His heart is for you. Don't quit. He is not angry with you. You are His daughter, the apple of His eye and His cherished child. Don't give up. Right now, surrender all of your pain to Him. Shed your tears, knowing He will collect them all and one day pour them back into your life as a refreshing rain of restoration and healing. Keep going. Ask your questions, knowing Heaven is not in a panic and that your God really is who He says He is and will do what He has promised to do. He simply waits for you to trust Him.' 


Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take" (NLT).


Still, thanks for the memories. I had a good time, and I experienced how it felt to have someone looking only at me, giving me the greatest attention I never had before, though I felt so shy most of the time I couldn't look back at all. While it lasted, it was good.

I have a sudden selfish thought. What if that question was never asked? What if I didn't say what I did? What if you never judged me? So many 'what-if's. But I'm sure this is the best it can get. Because whatever happens is the only thing that could have. This is a quote I got from somewhere, and I find it really meaningful because I shouldn't be wishing for this and wishing for that.

'Sometimes you will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory'

'Don't judge me by my past. I don't live there anymore.'

'Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: Saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?'

On a random note, I know we can't always have happiness but if two people are willing to brave the bitterness and sadness they would eventually get the happiness. It can't always be smiles and rainbows all day. Rain does come eventually. So I feel what matters is the mindset. If one treats the rain as an reason to leave while the other treats the rain as an reason to play in together, these two will never work it out. I think two people must have the same mindset. 


So that's all, my little lesson from a very smart person. I will be okay tomorrow. I'm not okay now, but I will be tomorrow. 사만다 화이팅! 할수있게!