2013

On a night like this, the first day of 2014, trying to reflect on the year that has just past. So many things to be thankful for, so many blessings. I've learnt a lot this year, through losses, gains, everything. Maintained the friendships that has strengthened throughout the past year, forged new ones. In a way, 2013 was a year of many firsts for me. Many of which would be to do with God and spiritually. Water baptism, holy spirit baptism, attending life group, serving in a ministry. Others would be travelling with friends for the first time, to Hong Kong in May this year, cafe hopping, running marathons just to list a few. I have not been the most perfect. Even now, as I think of all my mistakes and my flaws, I feel ashamed and unworthy of love. But I thank God, my parents and friends for still loving me despite how I don't deserve it. I learnt forgiveness. I can now gladly and happily say that I can forgive because I've been forgiven much. I finally let go of that burden that I'd been holding on to for four years. Four years, that was how long it took for me to have the courage to face my past. I can only thank God for that supernatural strength. I've also learnt about loss. I still think of my cousin who left us this year. She taught me so much. I've learnt not to judge. I see people around me who remind me of her, and I get reminded not to judge. On a less serious note, I've also appeared on television, for the first time, albeit for just a few seconds.

In 2014, I want to listen more to God and know His direction for me, be it in terms of career/going back to studying/just anything. I also want to be more aware and sensitive to the needs of others. In other words, be less self-centred. Love more, judge less, continue exercising and leading a healthy lifestyle, eating healthier and cleaner. Save more, see more of the world, maintain my friendships. I can't speak for my shopaholic ways because I know I will still shop as and whenever I like to. More faith, more faith, greater conviction in God, and to read His word more so that I can be always prepared whenever my faith is challenged. Not that it ever wavers, but I want to be able to respond in a way that glorifies Him more, and not give such an anti-climax or lousy answer. More importantly, for His light to shine through me, such that others will wonder where my faith comes from.

So yes, 2013, you've been good to me. I know 2014 will be even better because God is already there, and is always for me. Christ is in me! Bring it on, 2014! 

Running

Put on my running shoes today after a hiatus of two months. Yes I know I've been talking about going running so often but I couldn't bring myself to. There was always a fear at the back of my head, I kept thinking of the two times that I fell for no reason. There was no wet ground or banana skin (?!) on the ground that made me fall. In other words, I can fall just as easily again when I run. I would always give myself silly excuses such as the weather being very hot, and the fact that I had already took a shower once that day. Just reasons so that I wouldn't have to face the fear of running. So I ran away from running (pun intended, can this be considered a pun?) for two months.

I went swimming instead because I felt safe in the water. I always liked swimming and I told myself that by swimming, I could exercise both my arms and legs and that was much better than running. Unfortunately, I don't live beside the swimming complex and often have to take a long time to psych myself to go swimming before I really do it. The inertia is just so great.

But today, my mum encouraged me to go running, probably because she didn't want me to travel so far just to go swimming and also because it would most likely be very crowded. And I decided to because I have really been eating quite unhealthily these few weeks, with frequent meetups and having desserts (whether yummy or not is another story, more on that another day). I knew I had to do something, and today I ran out of excuses. Yes the weather was hot but I just decided to go running. The primary reason being that I ate one too many of my mother's blueberry crumb cake. The top crumb layer is just so good. She baked it because it's our family's favourite cake apart from cheesecake.

So yes, I left the house with a heavy heart, haven't felt that way in a long long time. I prayed to God for strength to overcome my fear of falling and looked at the ground while running. Felt really tired while running all because of the inactivity the past 2 months. I'm happy to say that I still managed to complete the distance that I usually run, which is about 6km or so at the same pace that I ran 2 months ago. It was especially difficult and I had to push myself to increase my pace intentionally.

Nevertheless, it's a baby step towards running again. It can only get easier now, if only the weather was cooler, but I'm thankful for the clear skies. Never going to take things for granted any more. Haven't been reflecting much but one thing I realised is that often, we don't know how to treasure things and people alike until we've lost them. So cliched but true. I find cliched stuff true most of the time, and that is probably why it is still used these days, albeit not so often.

Anyhow, I still have about 4 months to train for the stand chart marathon, so I'm looking forward to improving my timing through regular running. I also hope to include swimming sessions after work too! And exercise is also so that I can allow myself more allowance to eat! All the sugar/fats/cholesterol, be gone!

It's unbelievable how my weekends just zoom past like that. I enjoy life group on Friday and service on Saturday so I'm not complaining.

And volunteering is something I've always liked to do and I must say that this year, I've done the most volunteer work that I have done in my entire life. I like that it is meaningful, not just the things I do, but the relationships forged with the elderly. It's amazing how forthcoming people are, that once they trust you, the rapport is there. How do I say it? I used to resent doing senseless things like helping out at events doing odd jobs, and I still do not see the joy in doing all these, but knowing the elderly folks made all the things I did worthwhile. So I realise that it is not the things that you do that the people see, but the fact that you made time to come to help. Had a very heartfelt talk with one of the residents today. We were knitting using strings made from pieces of t-shirts and she just confided in us. I don't know what made her do so, but I'm glad that she did. She taught me one thing, to give without expecting a return.

I felt ashamed of myself, knowing her story and what she always does to bless others. One doesn't have to be rich to want to give, one just needs to have a heart that is willing to give.

Although I always claim that my mantra in life is to make a difference, I haven't been making much of a difference, so I'm really inspired to give more, be it money, time, love, I will give them all.

That, and Saturday's sermon on Singapore being the antioch of Asia. Really, we are too blessed, overflowing with love that we need to give love.

Shall end with one of the worship songs that grew on me, in line with the title of this blog entry, Running!

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Suddenly in the mood for some reflections, thinking about what I've wanted to achieve in life and what I've done in attempts to reach it. I guess I'm not unique, everyone wishes to make a difference somehow, yet I used to think 'making a difference' was something so personal to me. Still, I do try my best to, but somehow, along the way, I forgot about 'making a difference', things got monotonous, I lost sight of the road ahead, focusing only on the present. I don't even know what I'm rambling on about, just...trying to tell myself not to continue what I've been doing. But as with all things, changes always come at the perfect time. With the change at work, I suppose I'll get busier and hopefully, happier, ironic as it sounds.

And no one ever said I can only make a difference in one way, so I found other ways to contribute and continue what I want to do. Finally managed to do some volunteer work near my house and I'm really happy to be part of the events as a helper instead of the participant that I always was.

I really hope to find more meaning in my life. I'm not satisfied watching the days go by sitting at home on weekends, though I get rest, not satisfied busying myself with choosing which new clothes to buy next, not satisfied that I haven't made much of a difference.

I know things will get better because all these take time, and in time, I really do hope to look upon the past and know that I've truly, indeed touched the lives of others.

Not that long a reflection, but it got my thoughts sorted out so it's a good thing! Ending with a quote told to my by a teacher that I will always remember.